Friday, January 22, 2010

I Get Honest with You

Jip woke me up at 9 am with a gentle kiss on my hand.  I fell asleep about 2 am.  Much to do today.  Got to go shopping.  So I'll head off for Monmouth first.  Well, after breakfast and a shower.
Today is Scott's day off.  He has a list of errands and he wants to work on his novel.  That should keep him busy.

We watched Slumdog Millionaire last night.  I understand why it won an Oscar.  I have watched a few Bollywood productions and liked them.  It certainly is a different movie culture.  May I reccomend

Bollywood Hero?  Chris Kattan is wonderful and it is a great Bollywood introduction for Americans.
Shameless plug alert!  I gave Netflix a try a few months ago.  We decided to keep it.  Watch a movie, return, two days later a new movie shows up.  I pick out the movies.  Yes, I do get movies Scott would like as well.  I have threatened him with A Passage to India, one of his least favorite movies of all time, if he complains about what we are watching. ; )  Our next film is an oldie but a goodie, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.  You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder why you are watching!

Right in the middle of typing this missive I got overwhelmingly tired.  Like how you feel when you stay up past your normal bedtime.  Itchy eyes, huge yawning, and wanting to fall asleep RIGHT NOW!  From past experience, I know if I don't get to bed right away I will fall asleep in my chair and wake confused.  These episodes occur randomly and suddenly.  I may only have one a month or six a day.  I will be adding this to the list of symptoms for the new doctor.

Alright, I have been putting this off.  I promised Scott and myself that this blog would be an honest accounting of my life.  So here goes.
We are in bankruptcy and the house is going to be foreclosed.  There.  It all began 4 years 11 months ago when I lost my job.*
I was so sick when I was terminated, I didn't care about our finances.  When I got better, I began looking for work, applied for unemployment, and tried to keep up with all I could do.  I was in a good place.  In April of '05 I went to work at Wachovia Bank Call Center, where Scott works.  I was loving the atmosphere, my fellow trainees, and learning the new software.  Then, we had to start taking calls.  I panicked, I started shaking, I couldn't type, I stammered, I fell apart.  I got terminated.
Back home, I was still keeping up with stuff.  I was applying for jobs and interviewing right and left.  Selene and Nate had been living with us.  They found an apartment and moved out.  I was called by a huge nursery in Washington County and offered, over the phone, a sales position for an astounding amount of money.  I was so happy!  It would mean traveling around the Pacific Northwest and talking plants with lots of people!
On the day I was to begin, I woke excited, got ready to go, walked to the front door, and froze 4 ft from the door.  I couldn't move.  It was like a force-field was between me and the door.  The harder I pushed, the more anxious I became.  I broke down.
I called the personnel director and said I couldn't make it.  She graciously said to come in tomorrow.  Well, I couldn't come in tomorrow or the next day.  I was a basket case.  I was anxious about everything and nothing.  I couldn't get out of bed.   I cannot tell you how deep down I was.  There was nothing.
I was totally numb.  I mechanically kept the housework up.  Scott would go grocery shopping with me.  My world began to shrink.  Kelsey Jo was in several plays, I could not get out to see them.  I tried.  I did see her in a recital when she was taking dance lessons.  It was held at Dallas High auditorium.  Selene drove me there.  I walked home the two blocks.  She was adorable!
My doctor and I were trying find a medication to help me.  We went through almost every anti-depressant ever invented.  Nothing was working well enough for me to really advance.  I went a full year not leaving the house except for grocery shopping with Scott or him taking me to the beach or drives around the area.  I didn't even go the the doctor.  I would call him and he would refill my anti-depressant.
I have had suicidal thoughts off and on.  Only once have I come close.  I sat on the floor with a bottle full of Amitriptylin.  Pouring them back and forth in my hands, smelling the odor.  Then, I put them back in the bottle and hid the bottle.  I was not going to do the the family what Uncle Jerry did.  I could not put Selene and Scott through that.  Dad would have been over the top with grief.  No, I am stronger than my disease.  Doesn't mean I don't still have suicidal thoughts.  I just control my actions.  I threw out the bottle of pills about six months ago.
So, there it is.  Scott tried to keep up with the bills, but we were living up to two incomes.  We went through our savings.  We were always proud that we always made it on our own.  We are going to move.  We are losing the house and going bankrupt.  Not much else to tell.  We are okay with that.  The move is a step forward.  We have worked up a plan to save money until we retire.  Then we will get a place on the coast between Waldport and Yachats to finish out our sunset years.

*How I Lost My Job
I worked for T-Mobile from 10-01-01 to 2-22-05.  It was a job I really liked.  Every day was different.  I enjoyed what I did.  In early '04 I was getting very nervous at work.  Then Mom died.  Grieving is hard, but I made it through.  I did take a leave of absence to deal with the horrible anxiety I was having.  When I came back my manager made it clear he wanted to fire me instead of letting me change from the 'Save Queue' to the 'General Queue'.  Well, more anxiety.  Anyway, since he mentioned my FMLA, which he could not do let alone use it as reason for termination, I was allowed to keep my job.
I only used the above as an example as to how anxious I was feeling and how hostile the workplace had become.
Everything quieted down.  I was still 'saving customers'.  Then the winter of '03 - '04 hit with a variety of viruses cruisin' the building.  I caught them all.  I'm very good at that.  The Attendance Policy was clear, we were allowed four unexcused absences in six months.  An UA was missing a day of work (without prior leave arranged), being 10 min or more late, or leaving early for any reason.  (example of the latter, a worker was rushed to the hospital with a heart attack.  That was a UA!)
Well folks, I managed to garner my four UA's in just six weeks.  I urped all over myself 1/2 mi from work one morning.  I turned around and went home.  I made it into the building another morning, only to be in the ladies room more than 10 min after the start of my shift.  I went home and spent my day in my own bathroom.  And the last two UA's were in the same week.  I had a horrible cough and fever so I stayed home a couple of days.  I went back to work for one day, the next morning my temp was 103.  I stayed home.  And that was that.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my...I feel for you. I hadn't realized you had agoraphobia etc. I'm so glad you are strong and perserving. You will make it through everything and do just fine. From everything I'm reading lately you are on the right track and you will feel so proud of yourself and happy in months and years to come. Big hugs. xx