Oh, how I want to talk with my mother. To sit with her and just chat about whatever. To share my pain and my joys. To snuggle with her while she plays with my hair. The feel of her, the smell of her, I miss it so.
Tonight, Scott and I watched 'Shrink'. I recommend you take the time. In the end, everything is looking up for all who were hurting in the beginning. It made me cry. Because, you see, I will never feel like everything is looking up. No without more therapy and a cocktail of psychotrophic drugs.
The movie ask the question, "Why do suicides do it?"
There was no answer. Because, there is no answer. I personally know some of the answers. But, each individual has their own reasons. Some cannot express those reasons.
The most common reason is pain. Physical or psychological, it's pain. It is unrelenting. You can never escape it.
I am doing better. I have handled most of this move on my own. I found the apartment. I scheduled the new utilities and the movers. I am doing the lion's share of the packing and sorting.
I think, from the time we move, I will be more involved in our finances. It's only right that we share those duties and tonight we made up a dirty budget. We still have to figure somethings out; but for the most part, every expense is accounted for. It's a good budget, with savings, vacations, dinners out, clothes included.
Tonight, I want to finish sorting the dining room and living room. The storage room is filling with all the boxes and stuff. Funny, how when you really look at it; just how little you really use everyday and just how little you need for your life.
Less is more! I did find solutions for all the crystal, that will have it accessible. My old baby dresser (Dad converted it to nut, bolt and nail storage) will be used for Scott's tools and a few nuts and bolts. I will sand it and verethane it (to reduce the lead pain chipping off.) It will fit in the 2nd bedroom closet.